I write these posts, like most things shorter than a few pages, in a completely linear fashion. There's no preparatory outlining. I sense that, perhaps, if I modified my writing "style" to actually include some kind of disciplinary formatting and forethought, I might just write a bang-up blog. That said, I don't yet. So, let this paragraph serve as the awkward, totally disconnected cold-open for the event related paragraphs that follow.

My Facebook status says "Mark Saienga is represented." That is, that is what my Facebook status would read if Facebook still had status updates instead of the stream-of-consciousness twitter-rivaling blurbs they've got now. If I want to do stream-of-consciousness, I blog (see above). The "is represented" part is the interesting part.

I went to the meeting at MMi on Monday. It went well.

It went well.

I had to stare at that sentence long enough that I needed to re-write it. It feels like one of those sentences that needs so much unpacking, the contents seem impossible to repack after they've been examined.

Alicia always says, "I want a play-by-play!"

Perhaps that's best.

I had to take the 405 to Santa Monica Boulevard in order to get to their office. It struck me on the way down there, again, that I find myself on these iconic roads and at these iconic places as a part of my daily existence. It's good that there's a certain acclimatization that happens. If I didn't get somewhat used to it, I'd spend too much time geeking out to get anything done.

I found a parking spot, covered a short walk, and hopped on the elevator to MMi's 6th floor offices. I hung out in the lobby for awhile, reading the LA Times. I was early, as I chronically am, and was thankful for the entertainment section. When I'm anticipating something, I have a tendency to start to wonder if I've been overlooked or forgotten. That was hellish in the trucking days. Seven hour waits at the dock often reinforced that paranoia. I digress.

It was a businesslike place. That was intimidating at first, but then it made me more comfortable. If I'm looking for someone to find me auditions for well-paid work, I'd much prefer somebody businesslike than somebody trendy. Another intimidation factor that I ran into, both last Thursday and Monday, was my response to the presence of "pretty" people. Being an agency (technically, it's a management company, but for simplicity, I'll use agency) with "Model" in the name, MMi nets its fair share of models. Well, those people you see in magazines are only airbrushed so much. When you see somebody that could have just walked off the set of a Cologne spread, it's a little surreal. My personal response to that experience is to snap out a quick mental, "What the hell am I doing here?" One does not have to be a serious student of psychology to notice said response indicates a number of things about my confidence in my own physical appearance.

So I'm sitting in the lobby, reading the newspaper in order to allay my sense of insecurity. Nicolas comes into the lobby to give me the dime tour. He walks me around the halls of the floor, where each office houses two people, busily going about their work. They find print ads, commercials, TV and Film work for their clients. I understand that this walk-around is designed to impress me with the inherent diligence of the whole place. Such is only expected. They stand to make 20% of whatever I gross. They're already interested in me, and they want to let me know they're serious about what they're doing. They'd like me to sign on.

I take the presentation for a presentation, but I'm also listening to the little speech that Nicolas is giving me. First, he's speaking to me with an earnest and connected honesty. It's not a sales pitch. Second, he's hitting me with numbers that I've heard before. He's quoting typical compensation for different kinds of projects. He's not overselling those numbers, they're impressive by themselves. Then I get why we're doing this. They take shots on people with a look. Experience not required. Hollywood will take a look and teach it to perform. I'm sure they see people every day that haven't got the first idea what they're doing in Hollywood. It's their business model. Net the looks, and those that can function will function. It doesn't cost them a dime to take chances.

Now, some people might find this a bit off-putting. I actually like it. They weren't trying to conceal their system, or selling me a shovelful of manure about how special I was. I'm exactly as special as they think I am. I'm worth the offer. That's all I need sometimes. I know what my skill set is like, both for auditions and for performance. I'm digressing again. I'm digressing on the border of justification...and I haven't even finished the story.

Anyway. This is a company that takes in a larger number of unproven candidates in order to offset the number of unprovens that wind up basically flaking out. Nicolas looked at my ten best headshots. He talked to me, and paid attention to me. He erred on the side of caution in explaining things to me. Obviously, he deals with a lot of unrealistic and star-struck folks in his working day. Essentially he went out of his way to explain that MMi is exactly what I hoped it would be. They find the opportunities. I show up and capitalize. They get a cut. Perfect. I can't tell you how many people claim to do this, and then throw a little lime twist in there to make an extra buck.

Speaking of making an extra buck, here comes the part that all of you scam alarmists will scrutinize.

There's a package. It's a full-day photo shoot with a photographer (I've seen and like his work), a make-up artist, hair-stylist, and wardrobe consultant. It's $900. Those are the facts, ma'am. I chose to go for it, without a clue where that money will come from. Here's why:

My headshots, while good, are not as diverse as is necessary to really be viable in a broader market of print and commercial, plus theatrical TV and film. I know this. I knew this coming out of that first shoot in January. What those headshots did do was get me the interest from MMi. In the industry sense of things (if not in real cash, yet) those shots have just paid for themselves. To be offered a luxury shoot of the nature offered, for the price offered...it's hard to pass up. This is obviously an at-cost arrangement. MMi is brokering all of the elements, and not taking a dime of it for revenue. They also didn't require that I opt in to the shoot. That would have been a deal breaker. They simply offered it as a way to get me in as marketable a position as I can be, so that they can sell me to CDs, and make their 20% when I'm actually working. This makes sense to me.

So I signed on the dotted line. It's a non-exclusive, at-will agreement. They agree to find me auditions, and I agree to give them 20% of what I get paid. Have I written 20% enough yet? Sorry about that. The nature of the contract is also a cool thing. It's not a term contract, I'm not obligated to a year or two years. I'm also not obligated to give them a commission if I happen to find work through other contacts. This they do not have to do.

So I'm represented. I have a photo shoot date set for June 3. We have bills to pay. And the extra work has been dismal these last weeks. The combination of emotions invoked by the facts covered in the preceding four sentences would be the reason for any lack of jubilance you may sense in this post.

I can look forward to a serious broadening of my professional possibilities. I can look at the present and notice that I'm facing one of the harshest challenges of faith I've ever been through. I need to avoid freaking out and trying to make the money come. I need also to avoid second-guessing all of this. I need also to remember that God knew the fabric of my life before the foundation of the earth...and that He means well for me, in spite of me.

Case-in-point: We decided to opt out of the new apartment. In fact, we'd be moving in there tomorrow if we'd followed through...or, rather, not moving in, because there's no money for it. We decided to stay here, and reorganize (really reorganize) our lives around the three-person arrangement. With a new lease, we get $1000 to apply to discounting rent. We hadn't signed the new lease yet, mostly as a matter of oversight (and we'd not really been told it was ready). After Thursday, and the new understanding of a coming expense, we were in a perfect position to apply that discount money to June's rent. So, instead of owing $1200 tomorrow and $1450 on June 1st, we owe about $200 on June 1st. What a pass!

I have less doubt than I've ever had in an eventual positive outcome (incredible outcome, if I want to pick a really representative adjective), but I still fight with doubt that can grow monstrous.

If I'm really going to be honest with myself, I think the reason it's so hard to post here (especially these days) is because I'd rather ignore all this uncertainty until the storm is past. If I sit down here and hash it all out--go back and recall it, surmise what it means, and what it might mean--I have to cope with the associated emotion. And I have to cope with the emotion in a totally eletric, immediate way. Because it's all right here. Right now. This is my life.

I'm so on the cusp. It's clear to the point of pain. The future is so near, and my grasp of my God and myself is almost in line. The mechanisms are almost in place. I might just be able to start living my life without paralyzing doubt, without looking over my shoulder, and without mistrusting my every perception. But it hasn't happened yet. The puzzle is incomplete.

But the picture on the box is starting to show up in the placed pieces.