I am not the world's best storyteller.

I also tend to post only when I feel as though I have something "complete" to say.

The combination of those two elements tends to make this blog philosophy oriented, vague, and generally disinteresting, because the whole through-line of blogitude is lacking.

It's like, "Hey, Mark, great to see what you think about purpose and meaning, but what the hell is going on with you?"

It's been a rough couple of weeks. To say the very least.

I will give y'all the skinny, and try to avoid justifying my behavior or pontificating on the meaning of things.

So what is it? The 12th today? I feel like it should be August.

The month started on a high note. I got accepted to Joey's and my manager finally had me on his radar screen. The downside was that we had just paid rent and really didn't have any money to put toward anything else. But the best we could do was hold out and hope for improvement.

Things did not really improve...at least from a money stand-point. Boy, how do I describe the roller-coaster?

I got a part in a student film, then decided that it was best to tell the director of that film that I couldn't guarantee anymore that I'd be available to shoot it, because I was "at risk" of going back to driving full time. Of course he found another actor to take my place. I would have, too.

I got a single day of work on Entourage this last week. Hiatus is still heavily in place.

I got a call from another of the directors from the audition that got me the first part that I got kicked off of (still with me?) about being in her film, and I turned it down. I was pretty convinced I was going to go back driving.

I actually applied to drive for Interstate Distibutor out of Tacoma, WA. I did this because I decided (five or six times in as many days) that I was tired of the uncertainty and the debt and the heinous broke-ness...and feeling sure that God was pulling out the rug on acting. I was also feeling terribly sick of all of the grossness of Hollywood. The vapid people, the...disappointing...city, the heat, the dirt, and the money chase. LA is a pretty soul-sucking place if you haven't got a really, really good reason to be here. I applied to drive under the auspices of getting on with my life. Paying debts and focusing on family and being near family and friends seemed to take precedence (a move to Minnesota was also ultimately planned into the career shift).

But then came yesterday, and then came today.

Yesterday, I posted a remarkably vague status update on Facebook about how "changing course isn't quitting: quitting is quitting." Or something like that. While that's true in itself, and when I posted it, I was 98% sure I'd be back OTR by the middle of next month, it drew a simple question from a guy (a friend, really) that I've met in my months in the industry.

"What are you doing?"

Now, since inflection is lost in the ether via text, that question can be read several ways. In my state of mind (or perhaps because I needed to read it that way) it was delivered with a tone of failure-to-understand, and perhaps warning to think whatever-it-is through before you do something stupid.

And so the wheels came off. All the certainty I'd had about my decision (which wasn't ever 100%, because I'm a doubter like that) unravelled. What was I doing? I was planning on totally changing my life. Why again? I went back over it all again, in my head and out loud, with Alicia.

Now, in talking to our parents in the depths of our confusion about what to do at this critical point in our lives, they've both been generous enough to help us out with some money. Without the collection monkeys strangling us with stress (their computers auto-dial you every three days, *eye-roll*) the immediacy of "needing" money diminished slightly. That, combined with the long, long declension of reasoning that led me to understand that, mostly, I just want to stop doubting and find some joy and contentment in my life, left my in a place where, even though I don't know whether or not Interstate will hire me, the best course is to not take the job.

That long, long declension of reasoning was this morning...I think...it's all been bleeding together so much. If I'm chasing contentment and joy and I think making another career change is going to find me what I seek, I'm taking awful risks. As Alicia so astutely pointed out, there's contentment to be had in anything, and in any circumstances, and lacking it tends to be a problem that originates inside me as opposed to in my circumstances. So really, the most efficient (but hardest) way to find the contentment I'm after is to change myself.

This I realized on top of a few basic points about the physical situation we're in:

>Hiatus is ending soon. More work.

>The SAG contract is in effect. More work.

>My manager has new head shots of me to use in his submissions. More work.

>We've received generous gifts from our parents. Bills paid, and possibly rent paid for August.

>The state of California has programs to offset the hardships we're facing. We've applied to these, and haven't even given them time to "kick in".

Really, those last two words are key words. There's a lot of stuff that just hasn't had time to "kick in".

So we're at this just a little longer, then, and trying to keep our focus on God instead of on the problems. I don't know what the future holds. I really, really want to know what the future holds, but I'm not allowed that luxury.

All in all, this is hard. It's very hard. And it's so easy to see the driving and feel like it would be freedom because what I really want right now is relief. Read: I want a vacation. I want to get away and see the sights and have some time where everything is taken care of.

So this month, a driving job is a sore temptation. Come September or January, it might be what I really need to do. But not July. Not just yet. God is silent in this...and silent, I think, so that I could jump through these hoops and learn a few things (not least how to ask for help from the many different places it's available). I'll keep going until He speaks otherwise.

Case in point (as a reminder mostly to myself) when Alicia and I agreed to team up, get her a CDL, leave an apartment behind and make some money...we wound up pregnant. How's that for a change of plans? I can't see anything but God in that.

I'll admit, I don't like it that sticking with acting is the right thing to do. It's not fun. It's not easy, it doesn't make me "happy" right this second...but it is the right thing to do. Leaving now is trying to get God to work on my schedule instead of His...and turning a desire for a vacation into a desire for a different life.

See you next week, hopefully without another hurricane.